A safe haven

My name is Janelle and I hate depending on people. I am sorry that this is how our interaction begins. I really don't care about what you think, you brought yourself here anyway. But since you are here, I will try to entertain you with the bits of my boring life while you wait for an amazing story.

Where do I start? Who am I kidding? What is there to talk about? 

As you can see, I am not the best person to talk to. I tend to end conversations to soon, beating around the bush has never been my thing. I don't like lying either. I hate crowds. The list goes on and on. It is quite wise to leave some room for you to think at least of a few good things about me that I might not even possess. Sometimes people treat us well due to the good qualities they think we have that we don't show. It helps to know that there might be a mind where I am the coolest person ever. 

I will be honest with you, dear stranger. Solitude is a good place to learn oneself and a peaceful place to be but the loneliness gets too real sometimes. Going back home to an empty house, cook my own meals, clean the house whenever I feel like, make all decisions I want, and so on; what's better than that? But we are well aware that humans can't live well alone. The memories I make in that empty house would be forgotten if I got amnesia. There would be no one to witness anything. And there would be no one to cheer me up.

I smile whenever I am with my friends but I don't talk much. I prefer one on ones. It is easy to get to know someone better when it is just the two of you. But what can you do when everyone around you prefers gatherings and don't dare to think that maybe you need to voice out your opinions. I hope they don't wonder why I never attend most of their parties. Why would I waste my time standing in a corner looking at the people around me wondering where my friend is so I can go home when I've only just arrived? There are a lot of creative people in this world that took them to write and produce beautiful stories so I cannot be alone. Movies.

I won't lie and say that I don't wish for another being to smile at me whenever I wake up every morning before my stressful day begins. I am not getting any younger. My mother has made it part of her daily routine to remind me of how old I am getting and how my uterus is dying useless. Why does she wish for me the pain she went through? Would it make her happy to see me cry in pain during labor and frown for more than 20 years raising a child? I sound like I am complaining but I wouldn't mind the pain if it made me feel like I have done something important in this world.

There are so many guys around me but their eyes don't make me feel good all the time. I do have a guy I wish for but I am not sure if I will find him in this world of 8 billion people. I might sound picky but sweeping me off my feet is so easy. Under the influence of romcoms, simple gestures can blind me from reality. 

Where can I find a guy like in the romcoms? Where can I get a Moon Gang-tae? I wouldn't mind another Lee Young-joon, I would ignore his faults and appreciate his effort. I guess I've set the bar too high that not many guys can reach it, some might not even see it. 

I really don't mind any guy. All I need is to feel less lonely and have someone I can confide in, someone who can confide in me. I just hope to find someone who makes my heart beat a little faster and make me daydream about them. I want someone to sugarcoat me and tolerate my faults. Where can I find anyone? It is sad how in a world of billions only one can make you happy till death does you apart. That does make us special but it is too frustrating too. 

I wish for a safe haven. One where I would forget about human problems and focus on enjoying the moment. One where I could never feel lonely and not loved. One where I wouldn't worry about spending a day without eating because being there nourishes my body. Is there that person who can make me feel like that? Is it possible that one day I wouldn't have to worry about catching a cold in winter? Is there a map I could follow or do I have to look for the love alarm? Where is my safe haven?

Note: Moon Gang-tae is a movie character in It's okay to not be okay. And Lee Young-joon is a movie character in What's wrong with Secretary Kim? Watching them isn't a waste of time but if you don't like k-dramas (korean dramas), it's your loss. Those two dramas are so amazing and funny. For those who would like to watch k-dramas, do reach out to me ;).