Lost in words

 

Have you ever spent hours staring off at nothing lost in your thoughts? Have you ever wondered what lied beyond the river? Did you ever wonder why the community you were born in thought the way it did? Has it occurred to you why your life is the way it is? Have you wondered why you go through everything you through?

As I looked at the hill on the other side of the river, a lot of thoughts graced my mind. They poured in my mind like rain drops; I couldn’t control them. From up above, my town and the town on the other side of the river could be referred to as the epitome of black and white. My town is pitch black at night while the other town is bright. I am always amazed by how the people there achieved all they have. I always wonder whether I will be able to live like those people or at least see what it is like to be surrounded with such luxury. The luxury only mind would fancy to imagine from all that I had heard.

Ever since I was born, I was told that the other side was for people not like me. It was for the people who were selfish, greedy, and ambitious. It was for people who didn’t understand what life was. I was told a lot of words and overtime the versions changed. The stories sounded like a broken record, and it became worse when I saw young children being told all those stories over and over again. What we learnt meant no value if we still had that lingering feeling to cross the river. But the crocodiles that we had been told about restrain us from even dreaming to be near the river.

Regardless of the groundless accusations my people had for those people, we learnt about their history and surprisingly we were informed about their achievements. So much for not caring. I was fascinated by their achievements, their history, their ideologies, and so on. I could describe myself as that story character that rebels against tradition and runs off to achieve success and travel the world. But I wasn’t that courageous. I was not that lucky. I had believed the stories when I was young that even as a teenager I just couldn’t act. I once fell on the summary of a cartoon called Moana. I was bewitched by the story for a moment but one look at the view of the hill in front of me, I walked back inside the house and buried my head in my homework.

When I hit 17 years of age, I had what I could call a phase. I can’t possibly say where I got the initiative but I was lost in thoughts. I could sit all day thinking. When I wasn’t at school or doing homework, I was busy thinking. I thought for hours every day. I could say I wasted time but I got a better understanding of my life. I developed a habit of reading nonfiction books, I wanted to see what life was in other people’s eyes. I am grateful my people were ambitious enough to build a library. I wonder what life could have been without books. The rate at which their ambitions grow could yield them a bright city after a snail travel around the world. I don't know if I can call this being comfortable with your shortcomings or just being lazy. I have been discouraged by the life my people have decided to live. Unfortunately, I also thought laying low was the right thing to do and enjoy my shortcomings rather than cross a crocodile filled river to a place I didn't belong.

In that phase I learnt about myself. I thought about all moments of my life I could remember. I analyzed all those moments and tried to understand why all that happened to me. Why did I have to experience all that? Was there a reason for all that happened? Was I the only one who took the time to think about the past and ponder on why it all happened? Or was I destined to be a rebel that could transfer some of the brightness from the other hill to mine? Who was I to be thinking like that?

Who am I? The question I had my whole life
The question which I probably won’t find an answer to my whole life

– RM, BTS (Src: Genius)

When I saw those lines from one song in a book filled with lyrics of songs by a famous boy band known as BTS, I wondered whether I would also never know who I really am. I wondered whether I would forever ask myself ‘Who am I?’ Even though I had taken one step forward to understanding my life and myself, I still couldn't find an answer for that question. As I continued reading the lyrics of that song, I wondered if I could also become a superhero. Could I really bring light to my town? Could I be able to be successful to a point I forget why I started? Could my persona make my real self a shadow?

I was asking all the right questions but why was nothing happening? Why was there no change? But even with all these questions and answers to a few, I still stood on the veranda and stared at the bright hill in the late evening before retreating and heading to bed.

 

The meaning of the story

This story reflects a lot of what has been happening in my life from the age of 17 to now. Aside from the fiction part which includes the two towns that were used as a metaphor for how it was in my situation, the rest is based on my real life.  I really haven’t read many books but, in that phase, as I mentioned in the story, I watched a lot of videos on YouTube regarding self-help, personal development and growth, goals, the future and so much more. The content in the nonfiction books is equivalent to the content I consumed in that period. I read the lyrics as I wrote this story; I somehow out of nowhere remembered that I had searched the meaning of the song Persona and decided to reference it.

Even after all content I have consumed, all the knowledge I have gained, I sit and wonder about what will become of my life. I sit and get lost in daydreams. What is the use of planning your life ahead and failing to start? Why am I here anyway? I am afraid of dying insignificant, yet I am sitting still. What will become of my life? 

 

Notes:

The source of lyrics is Genius

The song is Persona by RM, BTS. Please do listen to this song. 

 

If you are on your journey to becoming successful, I recommend checking out the following:

The links provided above

Cartoons: Moana and Luka.

Webtoon: Age Matters and The world is money and power

Kdramas: Search WWW and Start Up. And Itaewon Class. (Ignoring the romance side of them, there is a lot to learn).

YouTube:  Questions every teenager needs to be asked