Holly: The Farewell

|DIARY ENTRY|

[09.7.22, 2:00 a.m.] [HOLLY]

There are those days where you are sad for no reason. That’s every day for me. I am not tired from anything but my body feels so heavy. I haven’t eaten in days so where did this weight come from? The window of my room separates me from the fast-moving world; it almost feels like a parallel world. The wind might blow me off if I dared to step in coming from this abyss I call my life. 

I feel like I will go crazy from all these thoughts and constant pressure to be part of the big picture. In paintings of millions of people, I want to find myself there. It doesn’t matter what is going on, even if everyone is a zombie, I want to be one too. Life has been going on without my intervention. In billions inhabiting this earth, I am too small a piece to matter. 

My problems have only driven me crazy. 90% of my worries are an imaginary swamp that I created? Ha! Why would I create doom for myself? These worries found me. I was happy and peaceful but one day as if a switch, my world became dark. I also feel like I am on the verge of destruction but I can’t go down alone. “I just want the world to end. I want everything destroyed. Just bring doom to this world.” Myul Mang show yourself now. You can connect your house to mine, I already live in a parallel world.

I had been ecstatic filling papers with dreams, goals, oh man! My future was as bright as the sun. With the light I saw and the flame inside me then, there would be no night for years. I shouldn’t have fed my soul with hopeless wishful thinking. Am I living in a black world? It has only been night. Is it the curtains I can’t seem to open or are there no windows?

Everyone looked at me with awe when I mentioned my dreams. The world was such a beautiful place. Had my fairy godmother granted me a selfish wish? It hit zero o’clock and I was back to rags. I guess I was high on something. I was taught to dream but no one mentioned waking up and putting on clothes to go to work for years on repeat. I have heard only about the finish line. The start was setting goals but the next step didn’t come with a manual. Have I even moved?

My shadow has grown too big I can’t see more. The world has been swallowed by it. Who am I anyway? Let’s go back to the basics. A black figure keeps chasing after me tied to my feet. Is that my reflection? A black shape with nothing to it.

The more I try to re-spect myself, I only drown myself into worry, hate, a pit too dark to leave. Which planet did I land myself? Is this the imaginary swamp? 

“You are your own cheerleader”, “Even with no one, you got yourself”. I got myself in this abyss. I don’t know who to blame. Where is the switch? I don’t want to think about this anymore. Everything was predetermined. This darkness was only there to swallow me. The more I push the more I sink. I should just give in. Maybe this is where I belong. Some people are to shine like the stars and others are to occupy the shadows of the world. We all wait for the light of afterlife. It doesn’t matter when you go. So, farewell. 

|END OF ENTRY|

 

References:

So What by BTS.

Respect by RM and Suga of BTS.

Cinderella: animated film.

Doom at your service: a Korean drama where the MC Myul Mang is in charge of the world's doom.

Note: 

Re-spect was got from the song Respect. Spect is a root word that means to look. So the notion used here is to look again and again; re-spect.

"Re-spect" means as it sounds, to literally look again and again
Look again and again and you'll see faults

 -Respect by RM and Suga of BTS.