HOLLY: self-respect = self love

🚨 Here is a note to phone users. Please rotate your screen. Something went wrong with this piece.

I apologize for the inconvenience. 🚨

|DIARY ENTRY|

[09.8.22, 12:08 a.m.] [HOLLY]

My recent farewell was a month ago. I was rash with thinking this life I didn’t give myself, I would take

away just like that. On the day I almost jumped, I realized how unbothered the world would be if I died

at that moment. It is not like the world would stop. It is not like my death would appear in the news.

And if it did, there would be no one mourning, they would laugh at my stupid death. It wasn’t my death

day, I guess. I thought I could be a hero and jump off, but heroes gave second chances to life.

I wanted to die but now I live life like I had never before. Physically, I have done nothing but I did move

a mountain. We are only alive if we can feel pain. “Pain is a gift from heaven,” Kim Jong Guk once said.

Endless happiness is a delusion. Reality is filled with hardships. And as this life is one, I will live for

myself. This new attitude towards myself has become my happiness. The high expectations that I set

might be high but they don’t change that I cry alone for relief. The scars I carry also make the

constellation called me. Who I was, am, and will be are all me. 

Like a switch turned my life from bliss to depression, I want the second hand to overlap the minute

hand for another tomorrow where I will be a little happier. I know running away from this pitch

black won’t be easy but for myself I will walk through it. Many call this pain hypocrisy so for their ego

and their so-called happy lives, I will love myself more.

I am human. I lack so much but this imperfection makes my beauty. These tears make me vulnerable

but my heart is at peace; the weight of the world on my shoulders evaporates slowly. Destiny that tied

me to this pain didn’t hold an evil smirk, it was all for me to shine bright. Sometimes I am afraid that this

light waiting to overpower the darkness might not be strong enough or might not even exist. Will it

even be enough to make an impact? This world is filled with billions of stars and the dwarf me can’t

matter around blue giants. 

RM said that human and love sound similar (In Korean at least). 사람 (saram; human) and 사랑 (sarang; love).

The other day I heard humans need love to live. In this sea of people where I stand alone lost, where will I

get love? “I am the one I should love.” I am reminded of these lyrics. And there it hit me. The last piece to

my broken soul. We have always looked for other incomplete souls to complete ours but some have been

incompatible only to destroy each other. These arms, legs, heart, soul and brain belong to me. I have a lot to

love. 

This pain has only led me to the river of love. Drinking on the water from that river which nourished me

with self-love, also nourished everything about me. Slowly by slowly, I regained life. Self-esteem,

self-awareness, self-confidence and self-respect were restored. They all begin with self- something sometimes

we forget and just look at the other part of the word. We should not leave ourselves behind to please others.

I won't be able to give the love that I myself has no idea about. I will love myself and maybe one day it will be

enough to share with the other people. I might sound self-obsessed but the darkness that I

have merely escaped has shown me how much I have me to live this life. It’s not like this will affect anyone’s

life. But for the night sky to be beautiful, each star has to emit its own light. 

I titled this entry self-respect = self-love because I have come to realize you can only respect yourself if

you love yourself. Self-respect comes when you value yourself if you love yourself. I found a safety

zone in myself; there is no safe place on this earth. As we continue to look through ourselves,

re-specting ourselves, let’s forgive ourselves, for what we can’t do and love ourselves for what we can

do. The darkness has always been there but the morning will come and we will smile once again. 

References (songs) 

mikrokosmos by BTS 
louder than bombs by BTS
zero o'clock by BTS vocal line

safety zone by JHOPE of BTS
trivia: love by RM of BTS
epiphany by JIN of BTS
moon child by RM of BTS
respect by RM and SUGA of BTS

Notes:

Kim Jong-kook is a South Korean singer, entertainer, and actor. And he is obsessed with working out. I got the expression used in this story from a show called My Ugly Duckling when he was forcing his friends to workout. 

Source of lyrics is Genius